“Losing Yourself”

It’s fitting I’d find this quote on Instagram today, because I do feel like I’m “losing myself”.

It’s partly due to losing connections with certain people who I’m supposed to consider family, as well as the loss of some friendships. These relationships were important to me in the past. As I noticed these people distancing themselves, I didn’t think much of it. I had a lot of other people supporting me.

As always, my fellow cancer “thrivers” understated the most. I mean, they had been in the trenches too. Even if we weren’t in that metaphorical “foxhole” at the same time, they know everything I go through, all the terrible things that run through my head way too often. They know that sometimes even replying to a text message is too much. They have perspective others in my life don’t and hopefully, for their sake, never will.

I could only wish my biggest complaint was that my nail polish chipped right after I left the salon. Or, that my order from Amazon came late.

So, No, it “literally” wasn’t the worst day of your life because say, your boss yelled at you. Yes, it sucks, and no one wants that. “Literally” the worst day of your life is when: you hear “you have cancer”; or you have to say “goodbye to a loved one; or that lump they found is not just cancer, but that you’ve actually been diagnosed with “terminal cancer” and you should start “making arrangements”. I’d say picking out my own coffin would “literally” be the worst day of my life.

I know you don’t have to suffer tragedy to empathize. I also know that people are people, and what seems like a bad day for them isn’t what a bad day for me is like. My bad days usually include, falling flat on my face just trying to get up from the toilet, or being so fatigued I can’t walk without my cane and someone or something next to me. The really bad days include trips to the ER, or so many doctors’ appointments back-to-back, I leave my apartment in the early morning and don’t get home until after dark. Of course, the really really bad days are spent in the hospital (and I’ve done my tour of so many a friend joked I should start a blog on the food service in each).

Anyway, back to “losing myself”. Throughout these last 5 1/2 years, I’ve remained consistently positive. Sure, I’ve had bad days, some bad weeks, but now it’s very, very different.

I’m heading into procedure Number 6 on Thursday.

Well, this being “Black Friday” seems quite fitting. My last post discussed how I’ve now become one of “those” people who hates the holidays. I was never that person. In fact, I couldn’t stand those people! Since my diagnosis in 2014, I’ve lost count of how many holidays I spent in the hospital, or separated from my husband because MY sickness caused problems with his family (ya know, when you get married you think, “oh, now we’re all going to be one big, happy family!” Ha. What a joke!)

Some fences have been mended. Once those relationships are fixed, then others suddenly crash and burn. People you thought were “family” are no such thing. Friends you thought would stick by you, don’t want to be around you because it’s “depressing”.

I do know ultimately that removing the toxic people from my life is better. However, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt losing more and more relationships. I find myself becoming angry and bitter. It truly feels like I’m losing more and more of myself – that strong-willed “have no fear” cancer thriver. I just hope I can find the will to find myself again.

Relationships, “It’s Complicated”

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I could write for days on this topic… but, for now just a brief post.

When you’re the sick one, so often YOU have to “manage” all the feelings, emotions, mental state of family, friends, significant others, etc.  Yes, they love you.  Yes, they’re concerned about you.  Yes, they worry about you.  Yes, they mean well.

Yet, unless you’ve been there, it seems like so many of our loved ones don’t understand that while we’re going through physical, mental and emotional hell all of THEIR concerns and worries also get projected onto us.

If I had just a nickel for the amount of times I’ve had to reassure, or at least tell those around me, “Don’t worry.  I’ll be okay.”  Well, I’d have a lot more money in the bank!

It breaks my heart when I hear people, who have battled this disease and come through it, talk about all the people who walked out of their lives when they got sick.  The healthy ones who “couldn’t handle” it!

Closing in on six years in this “Big C Club”, I’m only now beginning to understand why that happens.  Ultimately, most people act weak until they have to face something tragic, go through something that challenges them to their core, or somehow become aware/enlightened of their own inner-strength through mindfulness or meditation practices.  We all have this strength.  Yet, so few people are aware of their inner-power, i.e., the power of our true spirit/soul/nature/whatever term you choose.

Honestly, before I got sick, I absolutely loved the holidays.  They’re a time we should be happy, joyous, surrounded by those we love and who love us.  I could never stand the people who complained about how “stressful” they were – it’s the exact opposite of what the holidays were meant to be!  I relished in trying to find that perfect gift for everyone.  I would sit there with such anticipation, so beyond excited to see the reaction on loved-ones’ faces when they’d open their gifts.  Decorating my Christmas tree every year with either “Elf” or “Christmas Vacation” on the TV has been my own little tradition since I got my 1st apartment.  I loved having my “girls’ holiday dinners” with my close friends.

Yet, these past few years I’ve dreaded the holidays.  Besides the fact that some medical catastrophe always seems to creep up around November/December, or around Easter especially.  Well now on top of all that, there always seems to be some kind of family-related “drama” – and if it’s one thing in my life I do NOT want, it’s drama.  It all circles back to the sad reality that when you’re sick:

  • Some people will inevitably turn their back on you because “they can’t handle it”
  • You, despite being sick, have to inevitably “manage” other people’s emotions and feelings
  • You will be a “topic of conversation”, like it or not
  • How many times will I have to answer, “How are you feeling?” though truthfully no one really wants the hard-nosed truth.  Imagine sitting around the table, while that delicious turkey is being carved and answer, “Well, I feel like absolute s##t almost everyday.  I struggle to just walk to the bathroom.  I sleep until noon because my body is so treacherously fatigued that if I wakeup any earlier, I may fall.  I can’t go outside because the cold air seeps itself down to my bones and my entire left side becomes completely rigid.  I have headaches almost everyday that debilitate me.  And, I’m one of the lucky ones!  Someone I knew just died of cancer.  But how are you?”  Yep, your family will really want to dig into those mashed potatoes and gravy after that…

So, yeah, as if cancer doesn’t suck enough, it makes relationships pretty “complicated” to put it lightly.