The Confirmed Recurrence and Yet, Another Brain Surgery

In my prior post (https://braincancerbabe.com/2016/06/22/the-dreaded-word-recurrence/ ) I wrote about my suspected recurrence.  Well, that was confirmed in June 2015.  I say “confirmed” recurrence, although whether the lesion was indeed “cancer” can only be truly confirmed with the pathology report following surgery and removal of the lesion… but you get what I’m saying.

It is strange that I do not remember much about when I was told I would have to undergo yet another brain surgery.  Everything about Round 1 continues to be so clear in my head: the initial diagnosis, the first surgery, treatment, etc..

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This time around, I again met with my neurosurgeon in preparation for the surgery.  He was comforting in saying that the lesion was very “superficial” and remained very distinct.  The only way I can describe it is that the lesion hadn’t spread out like tentacles into other surrounding areas.  It would be a more simple surgery to just go in and cut it right out.  Okay.  That sounded promising.

I also clearly remember the phone call when my neurosurgeon’s nurse gave me the date of the surgery.  It was less than a week from the time my oncologist had confirmed that the lesion was indeed growing, indicating the recurrence.  However, I don’t really recall the emotions I felt, or any of the preparation leading up to the second surgery.  Maybe I’ve blocked it out subconsciously, or it is just part of my memory I’ve lost due to the trauma to my brain.  Maybe it’s both.

Furthermore, I didn’t have much time to think about the second surgery.  It was scheduled so quickly, thankfully.  I just wanted it done and over with – move on!

I do recall sitting back on the days leading up to the surgery and thinking, “Is this really happening again?  Another surgery?  Wasn’t one brain surgery enough?”  However, my doctors were confident that since I had come out of the first surgery so well, and had basically returned to my normal life, I would come out of the second one just as well.  That was a pretty reassuring thought, honestly.

From what I remember (and again, maybe I’ve just blocked it all out), I handled the situation pretty well.  One theory that has stayed with me is that my worst fear had come true – the cancer had come back.  So, if I got through this okay, I would have conquered that immense mental and physical battle.

All of my family and friends were blown away.  They were so frightened, but all I kept saying was, “I’ll be okay.”  I meant it too.  I had so much confidence in my medical team.  I knew what to expect this time.  Funny enough, it was the minor things that I knew were coming while I would be admitted in the hospital that I dreaded.  I hated the idea of the daily shots in my stomach to prevent blood clots.  I would be undergoing brain surgery, yet that’s what bothered me about the future hospital stay!  I also despised the gauze bandage turban they had wrapped around my head after the first surgery to reduce the swelling.  The thought of that turban actually made me angry.  I don’t know – maybe it was mind’s way of protecting me from the truly frightening consequences.

So, June 30, 2015 came along and I was once again reporting for duty – “Good morning.  I’m having surgery today.”  Again.


The Dreaded Word – Recurrence

I think it’s safe to say that every single cancer patient fears that dreaded word – recurrence.  We may not think about it every single moment, of every single day.  However, every survivor I have spoken with over these last 2 years admits, “It’s always somewhere in the back of my mind.”  In this awful world of cancer, is there really anything more frightening?

Cancer Attacks

Going back to my original diagnosis and the beginning of the “cancer chaos”, I technically remained “cancer free” following my surgery in April 2014.  Yet, I then underwent treatment for cancer, obviously in an attempt to remain “cancer free.”  I recall asking my radiation oncologist, “So, what do I say?  Do I actually have cancer?”  She looked at me with a questionable smile and said, “Well, you don’t have a tumor, but you are being treated for cancer.  So, there is really no easy answer to that question.”  Fair enough.

I HATED it when people said, “Oh that’s great!  You’re in remission!”  The other comment that made my skin crawl was, “So you’re cured!”  Hmmm… not so much.  I don’t blame them.  People who haven’t lived through this really don’t truly understand.  They mean well and only want the best for me.  It is frustrating though.

Anyway, 2014 rolled on.  MRIs all looked clear.  I was back at work.  No more treatment.  Sure, I was still on anti-seizure meds, but those weren’t going away any time soon.  I still had physical therapy, but I was exercising regularly and could do every workout I wanted.  Yes, I remained in therapy every so often.  Cancer is a true trauma and a little professional help goes a long way.  I was heavily involved in charity organizations, which gave me so much strength and purpose.  I was meeting so many other amazing survivors.  Life was really pretty much back to normal, although we all know it was the “new normal.”

The fear of a recurrence never went away.  However, it didn’t dominate my thoughts.  There were even moments I didn’t even think about cancer!  I almost forgot about it… almost.

So 2014 came to a close and I decided to celebrate the end of the hardest year of my life in the Caribbean with my husband.  We sat on the beach, sipping champagne.  We ate A-mazing food.  We watched the fireworks over the ocean on New Year’s Eve.  God, life was good.

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We rang in the new year in style, but it was back to reality.  And boy, did reality strike like a ton of bricks.

In February 2015, ironically just after my 35th birthday, my MRI began to show an enhancement at the surgical area where the original tumor had been removed.  It was extremely small, so my doctors could not absolutely confirm it was indeed a recurrence.  We would just have to wait and see.

So there it was – that dreaded word.  My biggest fear staring me in the face.  Yet, I didn’t even have enough information at that point to even confirm, yes, the tumor is back.  I would be stuck in limbo for the next few months until my next MRI.  The hope was that the enhancement would remain stable, indicating that it was likely just a side effect of the radiation.  However, if it increased, then, well, it was likely it was a recurrence.

Simply by reading the title of this post and it’s category, the recurrence was eventually confirmed.. but I’ll get there.

Daily Prompt – The Companion I Never Asked For & Never Wanted

“I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.”  Groucho Marx

In April 2014, I gained a companion I never asked for and certainly never wanted.  I did not want to be a member of this companion’s club.  Yet, I had no choice.  This club accepted me despite all of my fear and loathing for it.  Unfortunately, this companion was brain cancer and I gained a permanent membership to the Big “C” Club.

My cancer companion will remain a constant part of my life, even if I remain “cancer free.”  I have a name for my companion – Chester, Chester the Brain Molester.  For ease, I’ll just call him Chester.

I did hate Chester.  He changed my life forever.  He turned my world upside down.  He infected me.  He took away so much, not just from me, but from everyone who loves and cares for me.  I will never be the same person I was before Chester came around.

Yet, Chester will always be my companion, whether I like it or not.  So, I’ll just have to live with him.  I’ll have to accept him.

Hating Chester truely a waste of my time and valuable energy.  Resentment and anger towards him will only hurt me.  I will just have to bury Chester deep down inside, filling my life with love and inner peace.

So, yes.  I am forever a member of the Big “C’ Club.  I’ll never know why that Club chose me as one of its thousands upon thousands of members.  I’ll never know why Chester needed yet another companion.  Yet, I am at peace with it now.  My strength, my resilience, the love that surrounds me will forever and always be so much more powerful than Chester.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/companion/

My First “Tuesday Trickles” Challenge – Inner Peace

I just found a wonderful blog,  https://acookingpotandtwistedtales.com/join-the-challenge/ that presents a “Tuesday Trickles” Challenge.  Every Tuesday, Jacqueline Oby-Ikochacan opens her blog up to other writers to “share your very short snippets of positive, inspiring, motivating, health, spiritual, writing advice, clips, posts etc.”  I love this idea!

Today is my first “Tuesday Trickles” Challenge.

I woke up this morning reading an article from Deepak Chopra entitled “4 Ways to Create and Maintain Inner Peace.”  All of the 4 lessons deeply spoke to me, but the last lesson particularly inspired me today.  Deepak teaches that we should expand our experience of peace every day.  We need to stop wasting valuable energy on anger, resentment, insecurity and “baggage” created by our own ego.  Instead, use that energy for love, inner growth, creativity, and so forth.

While these words and ideas may not be my own, I am going to apply them today and hopefully going forward, every day.

I will go out into the world and fully embrace my inner self, my inner peace.  I truly do NOT have the energy for anger or negativity.  My inner peace will shine and by sending out that positive energy, it will be felt by others.  Not only will I benefit from this, but others will as well.

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Thank you, Jacqueline, for this Challenge.  I hope to participate in many more.

https://acookingpotandtwistedtales.com/2016/06/21/tuesday-trickles-my-thinking-corner-27/comment-page-1/#comment-34792

I Did It! I Made It Onto a Podcast!

THE NEWS

First – the big news.

I did it!  I made it onto a podcast!  For anyone who would like to listen (I would LOVE anyone to listen) the link is here:

http://croydonradio.com/podcast/show.php?HistoryID=215b2eb5-886d-fde2-1a8a-773bce29f2ba

My segment begins just around 14 minutes in.

HOW I MADE IT ONTO MY FIRST PODCAST

It took so much for me to sit down and create this blog.  I was so self-conscious and intimidated by the idea of opening myself up like this.  Still to this day, a few months since I began the blog, very few of my friends and family know about it.

I’ve spoken publicly many times about my story and this “cancer chaos.”  However, there is just something that feels so different about putting it all out there on the worldwide web, for absolutely anyone to read, anyone to find.

I recently listened to a video by Gabby Bernstein (if you don’t know her, you need to!  http://gabbybernstein.com/.  One of her particular messages is that it is our responsibility to share our own empowering message – to share your story.  Along with that, she also teaches not to compare ourselves in telling that story – there are more people in need than those who are serving that need.  In other words, even if there are 300 people out there with a similar story, there’s so many more people in need of hearing those stories.  Plus, your story is your own!  It is different from every single one of those 300 other people’s stories.

So, with that motivation, I decided to put myself out there just a little bit more, beyond this blog.

Through Twitter, which I also joined at the same time as I began this blog, I found an incredible woman, Claire Bullimore.  Claire is a fellow brain tumor survivor.  She is the founder of Aunty M Brain Tumours, a radio presenter on Croydon Radio (online) and the host of a show dedicated to people affected by brain tumours, called the Aunty M Brain Tumours Talk show.  As Claire says on her website, her show is there “to give a voice to brain tumour sufferers, survivors, family or friends.”  AND, this was key – her website said that she interviews “anyone who wants to have a voice or tell their story.”

So, fate/the cosmos/what have you was clearly sending me a message.  Tell Your Story!!

All it took was a simple email to Claire and just a few days later, we were setting up an interview for her podcast.  It was such an amazing experience and I hope that anyone reading here will listen to my podcast, and all of Claire’s past and future podcasts.

Thank you, Claire!  You will always be my first podcast!

Claire’s website is: http://www.auntymbraintumours.co.uk/ and specifically, information about her talk show is here: http://www.auntymbraintumours.co.uk/aunty-m-brain-tumours-talk-show/

Her Twitter handle is:

Her blog can also be found at https://braintumoursupportauntym.wordpress.com/

Oh and did I mention, she’s an author too!  “A Brain Tumour’s Travel Tale” by Claire Bullimore.

Daily Promt – “Keep Your Heart As Open As The Sky”

How difficult, sometimes terrifying, is it to open up your true self to another?  To put yourself out there in the most deeply raw way…

Will they truly understand you?

Will they judge you?

Will they flee or start to disconnect because they just simply cannot handle what you’ve exposed?

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Or, will they accept you in all of your beauty and flaws?

Will they see that power within you and the strength that shines through?

Will they admire your unwavering loyalty?

Will they see that your sensitivity is not a weakness, but a gift?

Will they recognize how deeply you can and will love with every inch of your heart?

Will they fully embrace all that makes you “you.”?

Be your true self.  Always open your heart, your mind, your soul.  You are beautiful, so let that beauty shine through.  Those that embrace every ounce of your being will stay with you forever, whether it be physically, emotionally, spiritually… Yet, if someone cannot accept that, they weren’t meant to remain in your life.  They were simply there, for that fleeting moment in time, to remind you to always “keep your heart as open as the sky.”

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/open/

 

“Turn Your Wounds Into Wings” – Daily Prompt “Struggle”

How do you define “struggle”?  It means so much, to so many, in so many different ways.

My struggle is not yours, no matter how similar they may seem.  Yet, we can share in those struggles.  We can empathize in our fear, our hurt, our will to survive.  We can unite in our strength and our perseverance in the face of that fear and hurt.  We can find unbreakable bonds with those struggling along side us.  Most importantly, we can find our own inner power, a power we never thought possible or ever recognized.  We find strength.

So, take that struggle.  Face it.  Whatever that struggle  may be.  Conquer it.  “Turn Your Wounds Into Wings.”  (quote by Emily Joy Rosen)

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/struggle/